priscilla | Forge Contact II

[What she really feels like doing is screaming. But.]

If that is your wish, Priscilla.

You say you don't want my forgiveness, but if that's the case, then what is the point of continuing to talk to me? Then you tell me that you're doing it because you prefer my anger to my silence.

But since all it does is upset me more, all that makes you is selfish. At least if you were aiming for forgiveness you'd have a reason. Now it's... prodding at wounds just to make me scream.

But that's all this ever was. Violation with no purpose, no point. Not one of your justifications or Deneve's ever made sense, because neither of you even tried to talk to me, and neither of you did anything with whatever you learned. Instead you just... traded gossip about me picked apart my pain and judged me and--

--when we first spoke about it, I said we were done. And I meant it. I only kept speaking to you because it would be impolite to crush the Forge while you were still listening. And you asked me if this is how little it takes make me turn my back on someone... as though it were something small. As if I were unreasonable to want to get away from someone who would betray me that way. But that just means you have no idea what you did to me. Even now, that you could say that you may have cared too much about my comfort... it makes me sick.

I never said I didn't want your forgiveness, I said I wasn't asking for it.

How could I let myself hope for the possibility of pardon? You are a swift, harsh and impartial judge of things, things that are always black and white, all of something or nothing at all, and never shades of gray. Except when it comes to him, then everything seems to become shades of gray.

I did not say any of these things to Deneve. They were my observations, my opinions, and not facts. What I relayed to her was brief. And I was heartsick over what was being done to you.

Should I have come to you? Perhaps. But perhaps I should likely have choked on it for all the good it's done, because there is nothing I could have---

---I didn't judge you.

[She judged him, many times over, though.]

You gave no quarter, no regard to the fact that what was falling from my lips was influenced by this place, and not the full picture of what I thought or believed. There is chaos in my mind, and you heard but one fragment of something I couldn't even properly understand. Let alone give voice to.

For a very long time, longer than I have known you, I spoke only of what I wished to be, not the fear and doubt that lay beneath. That is what crept to the surface when I called you a liability. Do you not have doubts? Thoughts that rush past and are beyond your control?

The least I can do is make you understand that it is not the whole truth, or even a greater part of it - the least I can do is take away that pain. The sickness I caused when it was said. Because it means nothing if it was not true.

Nothing.

[...]

The silence is a reminder of a time when you were [something else] ...gone.

[...]

It is unbearable.

Don't you dare tell me you're not judging me. You're doing it now. Everything is black and white except him. Really? How in the world could possibly know that?

I gave no thought to the circumstances because the circumstances don't matter. It isn't as though you spouted it out at random. You betrayed me. The fact that you did it alone already tells me what you think of me. Th fact that you admitted it when you were incapable of lying just confirms the obvious, and I-

[...there's a long pause, in which she is trying not to explode and then...]

I am gone, Irene. The person I was before that day is gone. Just like the person I was before Senji died. And the person I was before I did. And the one I was before I came here.

I'm cutting off pieces of myself, and cutting off pieces of myself... all the time cutting off pieces of myself. And I'm tired. And I like the silence.

I didn't say I knew, I said it seemed as such. I can't know.

I the blame for what I've said, regardless of circumstance or intention, but not for what I haven't. I did betray your confidence. I failed you again, and for the last time.

[Also a long pause, but she's thinking very hard on why it even seemed like a good idea to replay that message within Priscilla's possible hearing distance. She doesn't like the self-sabotage she sees in the answers, either.]

I'll interrupt it no more, then.

No, you can't know. But there's no point in nitpicking over wording.

How does it seem that way? And why does it matter?

It seemed he was allowed a wider margin than most. Kept you on tenterhooks at his whims. Because of what he knows. Or who he knew. The rest we could only guess at.

It probably doesn't matter now. But it mattered then.

I'd wager you could master the quicksword now, Priscilla.

[There's a long silence. And then she takes a long breath, debating whether to actually say what she's about to say.]

[And then she does.]

I'm allowed to have secrets, and private things, just like everyone else. It's part of being a person and not communal property. So yes. I didn't tell everyone I was spending time with him for the first... month or two. And then he did. After that, if you could only guess, it's because you never asked me. Because no one ever asked me.

And I used him. When he first came here, I used him because he knew me, and because I was afraid of Riful, for me and for Senji, so I used him, and I made him protect me, and I made him protect Senji even though just talking about Senji made him angry, and made him teach me and I didn't care about him, and I didn't even think of him as a man, just a monster, and I didn't really believe he cared about me even a little, but I did it anyway. And I kept going back to him because he had things that I wanted. So maybe that makes me terrible.

But as for whether I gave him a wider latitude than most, no I did not. When he came here, he was guilty of nothing in this world, and I hold no one responsible for the crimes of their past, so I treated him normally because he was normal to me. And I let him on the Patrol because I had no viable reason not to. I did, or would have done, the same thing for both Riful and Luciela when they arrived, and it remains the same for Luciela, for the most part, because she hasn't done anything that I know of to remove that absolution. The only differences between them and him were his interest in me, and mine in him. I guess that put us down a different path. But it started from the same place.

These are all things I've either said before or would have said if anyone had bothered to ask me. But they didn't. They never do.

Edited 2011-01-31 05:12 (UTC)

[Communal property hits hard. Probably because Priscilla's right.]

Maybe it does. But somehow I doubt it.

Any reasons why I didn't ask the questions I should have asked are poor excuses. I won't list them.

[Why is it worse having things explode in your face when the intentions were good? This would be easier if she'd considered the risks involved. Which she didn't. Durrr. That's some stellar decisionmaking right there.]

...I wonder. If he's so terrible, why is he better to me than my own comrades. My own friends.

[A little silence. She rubs her face.]

All excuses are poor excuses. Thank you for sparing me.

[She assumes it's rhetorical, but she can't help it. It's true. Regardless of his intent, Isley displayed more care for Priscilla in this. Part of his plan? Does it matter? JUST LOOK AT THIS CLUSTERFUCK.]

All terrible in our own ways. [And is it unexpected even a little? Sadly, no.]

Maybe.

...well. I didn't mean to get into all of this.

[There are many things she wants to say, and none of them good enough. So she only hums in response and stares at her forge for a long time after.]

Mm.

[She hadn't meant to, either.]

Is there anything else, then?

[YES. JFLSJLSJL SFM YES. But I'm sorry just won't cut it and she knows it. And since turning back time isn't an option:]

No.

All right. Then I guess we're done.

Goodbye.

[...disconnect. sob.]

[way to twist that knife in there one. last. time. THIS EXPRESSION FOREVER. OR AT LEAST FOR THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES >.<]

Forge Contact II

no subject

...welp now she's off and running.

/ gets a lasso?

/deflects it :|

/ gets a better lasso gdi

>.<

/ aaaand there is a missing word up thar D:

I KNEW WHAT YOU MEANT!

/ flails

/dances!

/ cries ...while dancing? idk

Irene needs soothing drinks. NOT MAGIC WINE.

No magic wine ever again.

Pris still has a bottle in her room, LOL.

Irene has one left. It will probably never get opened I HOPE.

no subject

/brb crying