![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Entry tags:
Forge Contact II
You've reached Priscilla. Please leave your message as you prefer. I will absolutely return your contact, especially in the case of business concerns!
[...]
I'm sorry I left that terrible message up for so long!
[...]
I'm sorry I left that terrible message up for so long!
[beep!]
no subject
[...]
And my well-being is no longer your concern.
no subject
I am far less strong than you believe.
[...]
Ah. You would rather I not care, then? I lack the ability to decide what I care about and what I do not.
[A little quieter:]
You don't say things that you don't mean, so ...why bother asking if I am alright?
no subject
And you seemed distressed. I don't really know why - I'm sure you've been more injured than that. But it isn't as though I like seeing people upset.
no subject
Fair enough.
I was ...distressed. I still am, to some degree. And you are not incorrect - I was injured far worse when I lost my arm.
No, you don't. But I was, and am still under the impression that I no longer...
...the question was surprising is all.
this icon: -_-
Who knows where that kind of information would end up?
[ :| ]
[And yes, her voice is as flat as that mouth.]
no subject
[Flat, but not quite as flat as what Priscilla said prior.]
Deneve's forge, yes.
no subject
no subject
no subject
[Her voice sharpens a little.]
Not enough to make a difference.
no subject
Didn't I? Look at how much has changed in the space of barely more than a week.
[...]
You're right. Maybe not enough. Maybe too much. But it's irrelevant to you now, isn't it?
no subject
If it were irrelevant, I wouldn't feel so sick about it!
no subject
[Of course, it makes the sickness that's uncurled itself after that spar feel like a fitting punishment. She'll let it settle in some more. Let it get a bit more (un)comfortable beneath her skin.]
But that doesn't matter. What matters is the ruin I've left you with.
[...]
I do see that, now.
no subject
What you did... I can't ever forgive that. And what you said when I confronted you over it? I wouldn't be able to stop it from echoing in my head even without that betrayal.
It's good to know what you think of me. That's the only positive thing I can possibly say about the entire thing.
no subject
But regardless of what I think the outcome is still the same.
As for what I said. It wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the whole truth, and it certainly isn't what or how I think of you. Every thought, every momentary consideration came spilling out without direction or filter.
But it in no way excuses what I did.
no subject
no subject
[...]
And because I wanted you to know.
no subject
[...]
And I'd rather the silence.
no subject
If that is your wish, Priscilla.
...welp now she's off and running.
But since all it does is upset me more, all that makes you is selfish. At least if you were aiming for forgiveness you'd have a reason. Now it's... prodding at wounds just to make me scream.
But that's all this ever was. Violation with no purpose, no point. Not one of your justifications or Deneve's ever made sense, because neither of you even tried to talk to me, and neither of you did anything with whatever you learned. Instead you just... traded gossip about me picked apart my pain and judged me and--
--when we first spoke about it, I said we were done. And I meant it. I only kept speaking to you because it would be impolite to crush the Forge while you were still listening. And you asked me if this is how little it takes make me turn my back on someone... as though it were something small. As if I were unreasonable to want to get away from someone who would betray me that way. But that just means you have no idea what you did to me. Even now, that you could say that you may have cared too much about my comfort... it makes me sick.
/ gets a lasso?
How could I let myself hope for the possibility of pardon? You are a swift, harsh and impartial judge of things, things that are always black and white, all of something or nothing at all, and never shades of gray. Except when it comes to him, then everything seems to become shades of gray.
I did not say any of these things to Deneve. They were my observations, my opinions, and not facts. What I relayed to her was brief. And I was heartsick over what was being done to you.
Should I have come to you? Perhaps. But perhaps I should likely have choked on it for all the good it's done, because there is nothing I could have---
---I didn't judge you.
[She judged him, many times over, though.]
You gave no quarter, no regard to the fact that what was falling from my lips was influenced by this place, and not the full picture of what I thought or believed. There is chaos in my mind, and you heard but one fragment of something I couldn't even properly understand. Let alone give voice to.
For a very long time, longer than I have known you, I spoke only of what I wished to be, not the fear and doubt that lay beneath. That is what crept to the surface when I called you a liability. Do you not have doubts? Thoughts that rush past and are beyond your control?
The least I can do is make you understand that it is not the whole truth, or even a greater part of it - the least I can do is take away that pain. The sickness I caused when it was said. Because it means nothing if it was not true.
Nothing.
[...]
The silence is a reminder of a time when you were [something else] ...gone.
[...]
It is unbearable.
/deflects it :|
I gave no thought to the circumstances because the circumstances don't matter. It isn't as though you spouted it out at random. You betrayed me. The fact that you did it alone already tells me what you think of me. Th fact that you admitted it when you were incapable of lying just confirms the obvious, and I-
[...there's a long pause, in which she is trying not to explode and then...]
I am gone, Irene. The person I was before that day is gone. Just like the person I was before Senji died. And the person I was before I did. And the one I was before I came here.
I'm cutting off pieces of myself, and cutting off pieces of myself... all the time cutting off pieces of myself. And I'm tired. And I like the silence.
/ gets a better lasso gdi
I the blame for what I've said, regardless of circumstance or intention, but not for what I haven't. I did betray your confidence. I failed you again, and for the last time.
[Also a long pause, but she's thinking very hard on why it even seemed like a good idea to replay that message within Priscilla's possible hearing distance. She doesn't like the self-sabotage she sees in the answers, either.]
I'll interrupt it no more, then.
>.<
How does it seem that way? And why does it matter?
/ aaaand there is a missing word up thar D:
It probably doesn't matter now. But it mattered then.
I'd wager you could master the quicksword now, Priscilla.
I KNEW WHAT YOU MEANT!
[And then she does.]
I'm allowed to have secrets, and private things, just like everyone else. It's part of being a person and not communal property. So yes. I didn't tell everyone I was spending time with him for the first... month or two. And then he did. After that, if you could only guess, it's because you never asked me. Because no one ever asked me.
And I used him. When he first came here, I used him because he knew me, and because I was afraid of Riful, for me and for Senji, so I used him, and I made him protect me, and I made him protect Senji even though just talking about Senji made him angry, and made him teach me and I didn't care about him, and I didn't even think of him as a man, just a monster, and I didn't really believe he cared about me even a little, but I did it anyway. And I kept going back to him because he had things that I wanted. So maybe that makes me terrible.
But as for whether I gave him a wider latitude than most, no I did not. When he came here, he was guilty of nothing in this world, and I hold no one responsible for the crimes of their past, so I treated him normally because he was normal to me. And I let him on the Patrol because I had no viable reason not to. I did, or would have done, the same thing for both Riful and Luciela when they arrived, and it remains the same for Luciela, for the most part, because she hasn't done anything that I know of to remove that absolution. The only differences between them and him were his interest in me, and mine in him. I guess that put us down a different path. But it started from the same place.
These are all things I've either said before or would have said if anyone had bothered to ask me. But they didn't. They never do.
/ flails
/dances!
/ cries ...while dancing? idk
Irene needs soothing drinks. NOT MAGIC WINE.
No magic wine ever again.
Pris still has a bottle in her room, LOL.
Irene has one left. It will probably never get opened I HOPE.
(no subject)
/brb crying